… That’s how I seem to spend most of my time feeling at the moment. My ‘to do’ list never seems to get any shorter and, although I think I should be able to do everything I plan to do, maybe I’m expecting too much of myself. I’m just about getting through everything, but I don’t feel as though I’m doing anything well… but maybe my standards for myself are too high… or maybe it’s just too much for one person. Maybe trying to work full-time, do a photography course, run an Airbnb, keep on top of the house and garden, catch up with friends and family, and go to the gym is too much. But which would I stop… They all seem necessary or enjoyable, or both!
I’m not complaining, and I’m not doing everything on my own… John definitely does his fair share… but the way I’m feeling reminds me how I felt when I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression some years ago. I just want to run away and hide… to retreat and shrink my world to the house and campervan… just me and John. That’s not going to happen though. I’m going to keep trying, but also be a little kinder to myself… So what if my photography coursework doesn’t seem as polished as everyone else’s? So what if we let the Airbnb out a bit less often? So what if we don’t get the spring bulbs planted and the house plants repotted? So what if I don’t enter images into the photography club competitions, and so what if I don’t write my blog? Life will go on… much the same as usual and I might feel less like I’m running in quicksand and drowning in chores.
I really want to write a blog about the great weekend we’ve just had but that means editing images to include. It all takes so long! I also want to give an update on my weight loss challenge… It is going ok again. I got down to 61kg by Friday but put 0.6kg back on over the weekend. That’s alright… I’m still on track for 60kg or under by half term at the end of October. I’m making progress with the challenge and, thinking about it, I’m making progress in the rest of my life too, even if I don’t get everything done when I want to or as perfectly as I’d like.
The first few days of the week are always the hardest… Hopefully everything will feel a little easier when I’ve got through today and tomorrow. In the meantime, I remind myself how lucky I am… I’m sitting working at the computer with a purring cat on my lap, I have a lovely home and a fantastic husband, and we have everything we need and lots of exciting plans. The shopping is done, the Airbnb is ready for the guests arriving this evening, the washing is on the line, my coursework is done and my work bags are ready for an early start in Manchester tomorrow. I remind myself, I’m doing ok.